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SWIFT & DEADLY

A SELECTION OF APHORISMS

by Dan Rowden

• You can't always get what you want, but there always seems to be an overabundance of what you don't want.
   

• Love is a natural hallucinogen - it makes you see much more in a person than is really there.
   

• There is no point in lying to a woman - the truthfulness or otherwise of what you say will have no bearing on whether or not she believes you.
   

• He was an habitual husband - for him everything was a matter of wife or death.
   

• I've never met a woman I didn't understand, hence my bachelorhood.
   

• There must be something terrifying about sanity given that so many people seek to avoid it.
   

• He loved his wife so much he was willing to die for her - little did he know that he already had.
   

• Romance is an exercise in nurturing one's creative abilities, in preparation for marriage.
   

• In most civilizations attempted suicide is a criminal offence, and yet every day couples get engaged to be married with absolute impunity.
   

• My life is so habitualized I don't even know who I am anymore.
   

• At least Christians are honest about one thing - in calling Jesus the Good Shepherd they are acknowledging their status as sheep.
   

• If you cannot stand being alone, never publicly admit to being wise.
   

• Plagiarism is sometimes unrecognized originality.
   

• I met a man once who I felt truly deserved to be alive - he was the loneliest person I had ever happened upon.
   

• God does not exist! I know this because I have personally experienced the fact of his non-existence.
   

• Do not believe everything you read - even in dictionaries!
   

• For the man who knows Truth, a moment's silence is a lifetime's wisdom.
   

• It is sometimes said that radio is the most honest medium; this is because hypocrisy can be disguised within eloquence.
   

• Parents are intent on producing clones, not individuals. Tragically, few children learn from this and end up contributing to the very same production line.
   

• Most men are intellectual Cuckoos. They set up residence in someone else's nest, but seldom have the decency to defecate elsewhere.
   

• If a man truly wishes to experience life-after-death he should consider getting a divorce.
   

• To be a successful bachelor requires swiftness of mind, and even greater swiftness of feet.
   

• Most women part with their innocence early in life, then happily carry on as if they still possessed it.
   

• My celibacy is due to circumstances beyond my control - women hate me!
   

• The greatest problem in dancing with a woman is that you actually have to get close to her.
   

• God's biggest mistake was the creation of man. Man's biggest mistake was the creation of God.
   

• For a woman to smile at you is a sign of danger; for her to talk to you, a sign of extreme peril; for her to be angry with you, a sign of impending marriage.
   

• Love is the addiction - marriage the withdrawal.
   

• For many faith is a suitable substitute for knowledge - as death is for a difficult life.
   

• In western society wisdom is often perceived as a virtue, but never a qualification.
   

• There is surely something ironic about Christians praying to St Jude, the patron saint of hopeless causes.
   

• Show me a Christian and I'll show you a shit.
   

• The most dangerous Christian is the one who actually takes his religion seriously.
   

• A poet is a person who simply cannot keep his confusion to himself.
   

• Courage and solitude are the closest of kin, for in this world, to be courageous is to be alone.
   

• The dictionary is a Bible to the un-enlightened writer.
   

• Married men are usually afraid to think about the Ultimate, because they will have to face the fact they haven't found it in their wives.
   

• Married men who have no difficulty in saying, "I love you" to their wives are almost certainly being unfaithful.
   

• What religion is he of? - Why he's an Anythingarian!
   

• Charades : the technical term for how fashion models earn their living.
   

• Integrity : a poor substitute for enlightened virtue.
   

• Love is an absolute virtue - being in love is an absolute tragedy.
   

• Nature is a harsh mother, and paradox is the sourest of breastmilk.
   

• If a man would speak the truth he should prepare himself for the accusation of deceit. If he should seek to deceive he should prepare himself for the treachery of fame.
   

• Failure: the absence of striving.
   

• Achievement: the presence of striving.
   

• For many years I've suffered for the truth - now it's your turn.
   

• Of what use is Truth to a woman if it does not increase her attractiveness?
   

• Courage is a virtue few men admit to possessing, lest they be found wanting.
   

• The more one reads the less one thinks! It is a lie to suggest that both can be done simultaneously.
   

• The best thing that can be said of marriage is that it is not compulsory.
   

• Often when viewed side by side, the difference between the Demonic and the Angelic is barely discernible.
   

• The amazing thing about Christians is that after having read the Bible - they remain Christians!
   

• In this world the wiser one is the more one suffers - obviously humans must have a low tolerance for suffering.
   

• When a man knows Truth he has no need of mirrors because he sees himself perfectly at all times.
   

• The meek may well inherit the Earth - but what the hell are they going to do with it once they have it?
   

• I sometimes hope that I am wrong and God does exist, so that when I die I can tell him to his face what a fool he is.
   

• The vows taken by a Catholic priest make him unable to conceive children, they also make him unable to conceive Truth.
   

• To be an apologist for religious values one must enjoy the aroma of stagnant water. To be an apologist for enlightened values one must become a part of the turbulent waters of causality.
   

• Last Will and Testament: a pathetic attempt at immortality.
   

• When a man claims that he is working towards the betterment of humanity, and humanity agrees, you can be sure that he is not!
   

• The inside of a church or temple smells of dying souls - the incense of ignorance.
   

• Judge a person not by their actions but by their ambitions, for therein lies their true worth.
   

• Marriage: the only institution to which people willingly commit themselves.
   

• Never tell a girl that you would die for her - she may take you seriously.
   

• If love is the medicine for loneliness, then marriage must surely be the unwanted side-effect.
   

• Christianity is an insult to human intelligence - however, too few people seem to have sufficient intelligence to appreciate that the little they have is being insulted by it.
   

• Christians freely proffer humility as a virtue - such is their folly - for what is humility but arrogance with a good conscience?
   

• By all means recognize your weaknesses, but never allow recognition to be synonomous with acceptance, for such is Christianity.
   

• To patronise a woman is to invite her scorn - to treat her as an equal is to increase it ten-fold.
   

• She had the face of an angel, but the mouth of a devil; the figure of a goddess, but the heart of a hag.
   

• To truly love mankind one must be prepared to live with its hatred of that love - such is the most painful of spiritual paradoxes.
   

• Humans are incurably religious, and the world's churches and temples are the hospitals which house the afflicted.
   

• Karl Marx once said that religion was the opiate of the people - today it is television.
   

• Fear is an emotion experienced by those who have something to lose. Dispossess all, and fear will never touch you.
   

• Anxiety is often felt more strongly by those who have come to realize that they have nothing to be anxious about.
   

• Doubt is the first step beyond gullibility, and toward Truth.
   

• Today, Christian clerics are more interested in their Posterity than their Austerity.
   

• The Ten Commandments say, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife". But I say, "Thou shalt not covet anybody!"

• How generous were the Cynics of Ancient Greece when they declared that most men are fools!
   

• By all means pay honour to parents, but let us first hope that they are indeed - honourable.
   

• Obedience is fine if you like the idea of voluntary enslavement.
   

• In the end I just got sick of waiting for me to develop a decent amount of patience.
   

• Prayer is little more than the act of talking to one's self using semi-profound words.
   

• Never trust anyone who would blindly trust you, for who can trust a fool?
   

• Reading the Bible is about as spiritually enlightening as trimming one's toenails - and far less beneficial!
   

• The more aphorisms I read the wiser I become. The more aphorisms I write the more I realize I need to read more aphorisms.
   

• To be respected, one must be respectable. To be honoured, one was must be honourable. To be loved, one must be - Divine.
   

• Perhaps if women knew how much I truly care for them - they would hate me less!
   

• Chivalry is the camouflage of the true misogynist.
   

• If all you had to give in marriage was your hand, it wouldn't be so bad; it's giving away your soul that hurts.
   

• Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
   

• The scientist boldly declares, "See what I have discovered! Am I not a genius?" - while Nature laughs, "Are you not fortunate that I chose to allow you to see it?!"
   

• There are those who show no concern over the increasing rate of extinction of species - after all, we're finding new ones every day - right?
   

• The scientist who gives no thought to philosophy is of the same mould as the marriage counsellor who gives no thought to the true nature of love.
   

• There is a time in every man's life when he holds principle above all else. This time, however, is usually so fleeting that it's wholly unrecognizable.
   

• Why all this fuss about plagiarism? Nature is the greatest plagiarist of all!
   

• If both men and women are to be truly liberated then men must cease needing women, and women needing to be needed.
   

• Love can survive many things - but never familiarity.
   

• The only writers who truly fear plagiarism are those who have nothing of value to say - but are ever so proud to say it.
   

• I love to talk about death - it's what I do best!
   

• By all means dream of marriage, but for God's sake remember to wake up!
   

• Novels may have happy endings, but never the romances of which they speak.
   

• A priest may grant you asylum in his church, but he will never grant you that his church is an Asylum.
   

• It is somewhat ironic that priests wear dog-collars, for they indeed should be kept upon a leash.
   

• As important as it is to have values, it is more important to remember that values based on false criteria, are false values.
   

• It has long since been a mystery to me that priests are afforded more respect than drug peddlars.
   

• The only good lie is an exposed lie!
   

• I am guilty of wisdom until proven innocent!
   

• When on the path to enlightenment one may never know how far there is left to travel, but one always knows how far one has come.
   

• To some the admission of weakness is equivalent to its transcendence - but such admission is little more than a yielding to guilt.
   

• When it comes to faith and insanity, the problem is not one of definition, but one of differentiation.
   

• There are men today who seek to place women upon a pedestal - so as to gain a better vantage point from which to look up their skirts.
   

• Some women claim that a "good man is hard to find" - but you cannot find what you do not seek.
   

• Men drink to escape their wives. Women, just to escape.
   

• Most humans are accomplished escapologists - they escape from reality at every opportunity.
   

• I could never love a woman - they just don't deserve it.
   

• Philosophy is dead! Long live Philosophy!
   

• How often do we humans sacrifice high principle to that God called Mediocrity.
   

• What is Christmas but the eye of the cyclone?
   

• If it wasn't for Pagan religions, Christmas would have no aesthetic appeal whatsoever.
   

• The claim by Anthropologists that Neanderthal Man no longer exists is surely a gross miscalculation.
   

• The first step toward wisdom is the recognition of ignorance.
   

• Happiness is necessarily blind to responsibility.
   

• Christians find great solace in the fact that their God is apparently able to live with his conscience.
   

• A man may deny the Truth, he may even denounce it, but witness his folly when he attempts to escape it!
   

• Diplomacy is the honesty you exhibit when the real thing is beyond you.
   

• We all have our crosses to bear, but some of us freely choose the nature of our burdens whilst others passively accept those foist upon them by the selfishness of others.
   

• It seems that the most quotable quotes are the ones most frequently forgotten!
   

• Emotions are but woman's fashion, and her love is but her hate in a paler dress.
   

• When a woman says "no" to a man, she is most often merely revelling in the joy of anticipation - as with pregnancy.
   

• A woman needs the physical presence of her children to experience emotional attachment. A man's attachment is built upon mental reflection, and is therefore eternal.
   

• Woman sees - man imagines. Woman feels - man reasons. Woman submits - man overcomes. Such is human dichotomy.
   

• I've never met a feminist whose face didn't change colour when told she was pretty.
   

• Idealism is the product of reason, ergo, the feminization of society is the death of idealism.
   

• The mind that cannot cope with the subtlety of irony is a mind not adept at reasoning - this is why women are so ironic!
   

• Woman: the essence of innocence, ever striving for greater magnanimity of spirit.
   

• If you wish to experience the fear of total emptiness - look into a woman's eyes.
   

• Men are innately idealistic. What other explanation could there be for the existence of marriage?
   

• The quintessential problem with the exploitation of women by men, is not that men do it, but that women like it!
   

• The happiest woman and the wisest man are at once the superior of the other - in their own eyes.
   

• To strive to know deductively what you've always felt intuitively, is what women call "superfluity".
   

• Women are so wonderfully flexible! They go from ignorance to innocence to helplessness, all in the blink of an eye!
   

• Some men live their whole lives just for the touch of a woman's hand, not knowing that the tap on their shoulder which follows, is death itself.
   

• I've never met a nihilist who couldn't understand me - nor a woman.
   

• If a lump of clay on a potter's wheel could determine its own form, it would be a woman, thus retaining its sense of self.
   

• The barrier between self-esteem and narcissism is one which has never encumbered any woman.
   

• There's something about women I hate - I think it's me!
   

• Adam and Eve were the original atheists; then along came the Devil and made damned believers out of them.
   

• When biology meets the New Age, nonsense is certain to follow.
   

• New Age scientists are akin to Christian clerics; they know little that is valid, and therein lies their appeal.
   

• The one thing I will happily say about perfection is - there ain't no such thing!
   

• All self-created problems should be fully self-resolved. Never involve others in this task for it is neither noble nor moral to do so.
   

• Some Christians believe that an emotional realization of Jesus is the pinnacle of spiritual fulfillment. What they fail to consider is that the Devil may be well aware of this belief.
   

• The price of a moment's infatuation is a lifetime's torment.
   

• No matter how bad a man may feel, a woman will find a way to make him feel worse.
   

• Of what use is tomorrow to a woman if she is unhappy today? Indeed! what use is today to a woman if she decides it will make her unhappy tomorrow?
   

• The minds of most men are only as deep as their girlfriend's cleavage.
   

• The Church: a vagabond upon the street of understanding whose address shall eternally read: No Fixed Abode.
   

• Upon hearing the words: breast and thigh, most men do not immediately think of chickens - therein lies many social ills.
   

• Some people are so adamant that there is no such thing as Truth, that I'm almost inclined to accept it as axiomatic.
   

• The Agnostic Creed: Absolute certainty that you cannot be sure of anything.
   

• Never ask a woman to explain something she has said, for she is bound to deduce from this the extreme depth of your naivety.
   

• The eye contact across the table was intense - I wanted sex, that much was obvious; what she wanted will be an eternal mystery to both of us; nevertheless, she expressed it beautifully.
   

• Please understand that I never couldn't understand a woman who couldn't understand why she couldn't understand me.
   

• People think I'm mad, and why? Because I tell them that illusions are the only things in the Universe that are real!
   

• Don't talk to me of happiness - I simply can't relate. So far have I wandered from such worldly things that I can't even remember if I've truly experienced such a thing; so vague is the thought that I may have indeed done so, I can't be sure if it's real or imagined - so don't talk to me of happiness.
   

• What terrifies me most is the realisation that even when I'm drunk, I'm infinitely wiser and more rational than the average man of sobriety.
   

• He spoke to me of things, but I could not listen, for I knew not what he meant by "things" - and what is worse, nor did he.
   

• Aphorisms come cheap - that's what makes them so valuable.
   

• I'm sometimes told that I'm being paranoid when I proclaim that the world is insane, but I suspect this is because the world is rather paranoid about its "sanity".
   

• Sometimes I really feel as though I'm losing my mind, but then I realise that it's just a case of wishful thinking.
   

• Whilst it may be correct that there is ultimately neither Truth, nor Untruth, the trouble with relativists is that they take this too much to heart.
   

• She was a very articulate woman - though her breasts did most of the talking.
   

• You know you're not very popular when people start suggesting that you should find yourself a girlfriend.
   

• In the battle of science verses superstition, quantum physicists have clearly adopted the "if you can't beat-em, join-em" strategy.
   

• I find myself in awe at the depth of etiquette exhibited by "uncaused" particles in the quantum realm, which seem to be far more co-operative in their behaviour than most gatecrashers I've ever known.
   

• Diplomacy is a very useful tool for people who don't really believe in anything, and therefore see no value whatever in candour.
   

• It is surely indicative of the state of our society that the majority of people you meet don't even know what the word "candour" means.
   

• It is sometimes said colloquially that if women didn't have vaginas men wouldn't want to know them - this is regarded as a base and vulgar view.....but.....is it true?
   

• Even when my mind is wedged firmly in finitude, I take solace from the fact that I do at least know what this means.
   

• What those who proclaim that reason cannot provide us with Truth fail to realise, is that it is precisely reason that introduced us to the concept in the first place!
   

• When it comes to dealing with problems, a woman doesn't evolve, she revolves.